C-A-P-S-I-Z-E all the way home, I'm gonna tilt awhile

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

That's me screaming because I'm scared...because it's the day before Halloween ... because there are ghosts and vampires and various other creepy crawlies about ... because the Headless Horseman gallops down my street after midnight ... because because because...

I'M STRESSSSSSSSSSSSED OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I'm still reeling a bit from my Wednesday Pout-Fest - turns out, a good way to cure that was to go home with a bottle of Chianti (and some fava beans OF COURSE) and drink a glass while watching "What the BLEEP Do We Know!?" and decide to fake it until I make it. Meaning just act like all is well and eventually the rest will catch up with the act and all really will be well.

Because it will, I just need to let it out sometimes and let the world know of my trials and tribulations, no matter how small they may appear. It's just my way, I don't have any sort of poker face and when I'm blue or have the mean reds, I show it. Apparently, I look like crap enough that my boss is "forcing" me (his words) to take a few days off after this is all over next week. He's being kind, which I appreciate. But a day or two to regain my center would be nice so I'll take him up on it. Because then, I have about 2 weeks of relative ease before I step right back into THIS again and then before you know it, I'm going home for Christmas Week and only then will I know if I've survived.

Until then, I'm playing my favorite Beach Boys (not a huge Beach Boys fan, but this one...sigh...pure love) song over and over and over, because it's as soothing as a lullaby to me and the harmonies are so pretty, aren't they?:

"Don't worry baby
Don't worry baby
Everything will turn out alright
Don't worry baby
Don't worry baby
Don't worry baby..."

My other theme song is courtesy of Veronica's birthday gift to me, the soundtrack to Where the Wild Things Are and "Capsize" - this about sums up my insides right now:

"C-A-P-S-I-Z-E all the way home, I'm gonna tilt awhile
M-I-S-S-M-E all you want, you're gonna wait awhile

We can settle by the sea
Troubles gonna bury me
Keep my sorrows in the sand
I see water, I see land!

C-A-P-S-I-Z-E all the way home, I'm gonna tilt awhile
M-I-S-S-M-E all you want, you're gonna wait awhile..."

That said, I'm going to do something restful and luverly for myself tomorrow - maybe go up to the Cloisters? Some place where I can see the leaves changing color, I seem to miss that brief window every year. I wake up one November day and the leaves are just dead or completely gone and I miss being stunned by the red and golden trees everywhere. So something outdoors. Something beautiful. And then back here on Sunday to work on another HUMONGOUS file. And then we wait and see...I'm just resigned to the fact that I'm gonna tilt awhile. So be it.

At Low Ebb

We interrupt this piece of shit day in the middle of this crap week to bring you an excerpt from a lovely Blur song to set the mood for this meltdown moment I'm having:

THIS IS A LOW
BUT IT WON'T HURT YOU
WHEN YOU ARE ALONE IT WILL BE THERE WITH YOU
FINDING WAYS TO STAY
SOLO

This is truly a low, I've hit a bottom. I'm trying REALLY hard to keep my chin up but I'm losing patience, I'm sapped and in dire need of a boon.

That's all - I'm just alerting the Fates, those Kindly Ones that I've reached my limit. I'm exhausted, I'm feeling ugly and crampy and bloated, I'm grumpy, my eyes are all red, I'm out of my glitter and magic juice. I feel like I feel when I wear the color brown - Veronica knows what I'm talking about. Blah. Blech. Muddy.

Speaking of Veronica, she's my light at the end of my tunnel and she doesn't even know it. I'm sure she thinks I'm the light at the end of hers but its really the other way around. Or maybe we are both standing at opposite ends of the tunnel, looking stupidly at the other? Either way, My Most Favorite Texan is coming to see MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! And so that means that soon my face will crack into smiles again and all will be joyful and merry.

And for that, I am thankful. God bless Merv!

Hi Ho Hi Ho, It's off to home I go...

Working on a Sunday... note to self...GET A LIFE.

Well I'm doing it to make this next week less painful - so big deal, I came in for 4 hours, did what I had to do and now I feel much better... sort of... because now its dark outside and therefore, Sunday is over and so then that means the weekend is over and that tomorrow I need to wake up and come right back here.

Why didn't I just bring a sleeping bag? HRUMPH!

Hey Snow White - bring some of those Juanita's Tortilla Chips when you come for Xmas!!! Those chips were the bestest...

Until tomorrow then...signing off...

Theme of the Week: "Gumption, Ms. McGill"

HELLISH WEEK HELLISH WEEK HELLISH WEEK ... the world has been almost overwhelming to me this week.

Simply exhausted...I don't even want to get into it.

I stayed til 9pm last night testing stuff, fine tuning our setup, etc. My mind is like a swamp, my eyes are red and itchy from overuse (note self, sign up for vision care next year - must have eyes checked) and then I get home, I'm so exhausted, I don't even feel like reading or doing much besides zoning out watching Working Girl because everything just swims in front of me.

But mostly the overwhelming part of this week has been that I've had to play a role I'm not used to playing. I've had to be the aggressive take-charge person and I'm so not that person typically and I can't say it felt entirely bad - it's just not the norm for me so it wasn't comfortable. But I'm just trying to get things done, to keep everyone focused to meet our deadlines and I constantly felt like a mother with 6 crazy bratty children - but mostly I did it to help myself because the bulk of this project is on MY shoulders and I can't do my piece without the others getting their tasks completed first.

SO. I had to kick people in the ass a bit and at first I felt a little guilty, as if I should apologize to some of them for coming off too strong, bitchy, grouchy, whatever and then this morning as I was wearily getting ready for work, I realized - why do girls get taught this? That if they are tough or lay down the law, they will not be liked or should have to diminish their voice, soften it in order to not be viewed as a bitch or something else derogatory? NO. It called for someone to step up and dot the I's and cross the T's and hold people accountable for not doing what they said they would do and just put her foot down and say "no excuses - JUST DO IT. Period."

Sigh sigh oh big sigh... but I'm sticking with all the wisdom I culled from last night's viewing of Working Girl which I'm wrapping up as the theme of the week:

Gumption, Ms. McGill.

GUMPTION.

Two New Recipes

I know, I should vary my sources a bit, but you know, I look at Mark Bittman's blog every week and every week, he has a recipe I want to try so SUE ME. Needless to say then, the two things I tried this weekend were from - ta da! - The Minimalist!:

Crisp Nori Snacks - these rocked! I could have devoured a whole package of 8 sheets of nori, but I refrained and just did 2. This was barely a recipe, just toasting the sheets and I've heard from Mollie Katzen that you can do the same with kale.
Something tells me I'll be trying that next.

The true delight was his Roasted Sweet Potato Salad with Black Beans and Chili Dressing. Truth be told, I could take out the black beans and I'd be fine but it does add that sort of southwestern thing I think he was going for but oh, roasted sweet potatoes and onions, oooh it just curls my toes right up.

This Moment of Wisdom, brought to you by:

My lovely sister, Snow White:

"If you stare at the wall, you will go into the wall...

SO STOP STARING AT THE WALL!!"

Indeed.

This is just to say...

this week has been HARD. Oh. My. God. And I don't mean a statue in Central Park. I mean the real guy - yes, I hold him responsible.

I'm exhausted but in a good way - things haven't been so crazy that I've lost myself in it all - I've been sooooooo good about taking care of me because I don't want a repeat of previous years and stressful times past where I get run down and can't sleep, look like shit, and then I collapse in a flu-like puddle of mud. Nope, this time, I vow to do it correctly. So, eating well, trying to get outside and walk around in the nicely chilly weather for some fresh air for my wan cheeks, and - ta da! - I'm starting yoga again tomorrow. I've gotten so squishy, I need to halt this process, lest it overtake me and I began to atrophy all over.

And I say exhausted in a good way because its all slightly thrilling, isn't it? The adrenaline rush I suppose, we have all these deadlines and queries must be run and SQL's must be created and things must be updated and tested and checked and we are running out of time and solutions must be devised and so on and so on, but I actually like this, except for the part where I get anxious at all there is to do and then I have minor freak outs on the inside and my head starts to hurt like it does now. But I like the problem solving aspect of all that I do and this week, I've been kicked into high gear so I get to show off a bit, don't I?

So I'm done for the night. For the week. Whew. Just breathe. A respite until Monday then, I'm signing off from wintry cold NYC - I had to pull out the winter coat and gloves today - but you know I love this, I'm totally digging the January preview.

Excerpt from The Sunflowers by Mary Oliver

A small reminder to myself to keep my face toward the sun - I don't always make the best sunflower:

"Come with me
to visit the sunflowers,
they are shy

but want to be friends;
they have wonderful stories
of when they were young -
the important weather,

the wandering crows.
Don't be afraid
to ask them questions!
Their bright faces,

which follow the sun,
will listen, and all
those rows of seeds -
each one a new life!

hope for a deeper acquaintance;
each of them, though it stands
in a crowd of many,
like a separate universe,

is lonely, the long work
of turning their lives
into a celebration
is not easy..."

It's here it's here!!

The chill!!! YES!!! Woo hoo!!!

I am SO much more an Autumn/Winter girl ... today marks the first day I was able to wear a scarf (with a light coat, but still) and all at once I feel much more at home...yes, once again, I get to bundle cutely(my mom and dad like that phrase I invented so I'll continue to use it). Oh I love that. I love sweaters and gloves and jackets and walking around with just enough chill so that you don't get sweaty from overexertion but your cheeks get rosy. Love love love it. It means so much, it means the leaves are changing color and falling from the trees, it means pumpkins and pomegranates, it means Christmas is coming, it means possible snow, it means, it means...

Oh its all too much to go into here but it means a lot to me.

SEEN!!!

Yes, I've had a celebrity sighting! And on the subway at that!!

This morning, on my way to work on the E train, when it stopped at 23rd/Ely, Czar Nicholas II got on...YES IT'S TRUE!!! Rumors of his untimely demise in the 1917 Russian Revolution aside, I guess he lives in Long Island City now. He looks just like this photo - he had on the naval cap, the same beard and a sort of dark blazer and seemed to be trying to appear like one of the Hipster Doofuses that live in Long Island City, Greenpoint, Williamsburg - I guess he's gone incognito, trying to "fit in".

Either that, or it was The Captain from The Captain and Tennille sans Tennille ... hmmm, now I'm not sure...

Peaceful, lovely moment (um, hour and a half really) sitting in Central Park reading this weekend - I like Literary Walk because of the multiple trees overhead and the large bronze statues look impressive watching over all of us - I have a thing with statues, I always picture them getting up off of their pedestals and coming to life - and also because for some reason, it's mostly people strolling through but not stopping to sit, so the benches are generally clear so therefore it's quiet. But I stopped this time mostly because there was a young man playing the cello there which I love - violin and cello can do no wrong to my ears - and so it's me and the pretty music and a chill in the autumn air and things feel good, don't they? I read for a while but the peoplewatching is also good there.

In the midst of all this calm reverie, a little boy comes running and yelling up to this statue that I was sitting right across from, cracking me up to no end:


"WHO IS THAT, DADDY, IS THAT GOD, IS IT, IS THAT GOD, WHO IS IT, IS THAT GOD, IS IT???!!!!"

Ha!!!!!!! But let him believe it is God, I say, then he has a nice place in the park to come and pray or sit and meditate or whatever he wants or needs. It's some poet actually I've never heard of, Fitz-Greene Halleck. He seems to have a kind but stern, intelligent face, seems respectable and upright and those are all qualities a God should have right?

So now, when I walk past him, I shall always give him a little wave, a tip of my hat and say "hi there, God..nice to see you again, looking well as usual...how's the missus?"

Proven Fact - there really is no use in crying over spilled milk!

I can attest to this - I cried over spilled milk on Wednesday. Chocolate soy milk, that is. I had gone to the market after work and decided to try chocolate soy milk as a treat and I thought it might taste good warmed up like hot cocoa. Fine.

So I get home, stick it in the fridge and I few hours later, I decided to taste it - turns out to be DEE-LISH-OUS. Yum. Stick it back in and shut the door. Minutes later, I pass by the kitchen again, getting ready for bed, I'm just exhausted from my hellish week, I can barely keep my eyes open but the chocolate soy milk is calling me and I decide to take a swig straight from the carton before brushing my teeth and calling it a night. I pick up the carton and start to shake it - since its soy milk, its gets kind of separated and chalky - and OF COURSE I didn't cap it tightly before.

Of course I didn't.

Rivulets, thick ribbons of chocolate soy milk stream out and all over my kitchen - the cabinets, the fridge, under the appliances, all over me, I standing in a puddle of it on the floor.

It's everywhere.

Did I already mention that I have no energy, that I feel half dead asleep,my back hurts, my neck hurts, my jaw aches from stress clenching? Now I have this mess to clean up and I just can't do it, I can't, I don't want to, I just want to go to bed. But I can't leave it there, or else I'll have roaches and bugs galore and then once it dries it will be all sticky and goddammit, why did I not check to make sure it was closed before I shook it, why am I so stupid, why don't I think before I act, oh why oh why oh why...

That's when all the frustration bubbled up and boiled over and I started to cry and what I really wanted to do was punch the wall and scream FUCK!!!!!!! at the top of my lungs and then snap my fingers or wiggle my nose a la Samantha and have the mess begone. Why have I never developed those powers?

And then I started laughing at myself because I was LITERALLY crying over spilled milk. It was so dumb, big deal, you doof, just wipe it up, jeez you big baby. I just thought it was hilarious. And then I got out a sponge, paper towels, and got to work.

Now that was fun - so let us see what other cliched sayings I can reenact in my daily life over the next week. Perhaps I CAN kill two birds with one stone? Get up at 5 AM to find an early bird actually eating the worm? Take up sewing so that I can discover that a stitch in time saves nine (I don't even know what that one means, does it really have anything to do with sewing)?

Ah, the joy of being me - you see how rapidly my emotions switched on me, coupled with my amazing ability to make mountains out of molehills, you'll begin to understand why I get tired so easily.

Happy Birthday To MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

That's right, it is the day of my birth. At 7:56 A.M. many moons ago, I was born, kicking and screaming and crying into this world. A trend that has continued right to this day.

It's been a pleasant day - it's been a very pleasant - busy, tiring, stressful, exciting - week. In short, things are good and I have much to be thankful for, don't I?

DON'T I?

I forget sometimes you know, I can get lost in a pity party easily or whatever but then I come in to work and there's a voicemail from Veronica on my work phone (3 in the past 3 days, I love it, I love summoning Kodachrome!) or something or someone made me smile on the train and then all is right with the day and I smile. Or an email from a Mother or a Father that makes me giggle.

Or today even, I got an award here at work - how nice is that? A little embarrassing because I don't really like the attention, but still it's a cool gesture - and they purposely waited to give it me on my birthday so it made the day just that much more sweet.

OOH and The Boss bought me lunch and a sweet treat, complete with a candle to make a wish upon and a warbling round of "Happy Birthday".

So that's all - I'm just grateful for all who have made me smile and feel warm and fuzzy today. And every other day. Merci beaucoup!!

Sweet Potato Saute

So I originally bought the sweet potatoes - or YAMS! - to be used in a "recipe of the week" but then I didn't really feel like going through with the whole to do of a longer recipe but was still hungry so I made up my own thing. As I'm prone to doing.

So - this turned out to be YUM-MEE, particularly if you enjoy the sweet potato version of the glorious French Fry. But I suppose this is better for you. I'm sure of it.

So you slice up the yam into thin slices - you want them to cook well and quickly, not burn so you need them similar size. Coat a frying pan with olive oil and when it's hot, add the slices, sprinkling with just a little salt to draw the water out. I then added herbes de Provence and a LIGHT shake of chili powder to make it a little smoky.

Keep them on medium heat, stirring only when you think there might be burning going on, but you want to leave them alone so that they get that nice caramelizing thing going on. When they get a sort of translucent look to them, you can flip them so they get sweetly crispy on the other side. When they are done enough for you - I like them pretty well done - shake a little more salt on top if needed and enjoy.

Not exactly a recipe, but I did enjoy the addition of the dried herbs and the chili powder so I just thought I'd mention it.

CrapSaidByMyDad

Inspired by Justin and "shitmydadsays" (http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays) - because I think his dad looks like my dad and says things that my dad might say - although with less cursing (sometimes)!:

"I'm like a fat dog lying on a porch licking his nuts" (received via text messaage regarding the Twins AND the Vikings on a roll)